I’ve been thinking a lot this weekend about this quote from the Stephen Chbosky book, “The Perks of being a wallflower” because it’s often true that people settle for way less than they deserve. They trick themselves into thinking what they have with someone is special or it’s love, when in reality they’re having to convince themselves that this is all they’ll know and that is all they’ll ever get.
I thought what I had was “it”, and sometimes I still wonder if what we had might still be it. I thought it was easy, I thought it was written in the stars, but in the back of my head I knew that I was way more invested in what we had and when it ended I felt like even though I loved what we had, I thought I deserved better. I knew i deserved better but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that I don’t crave it. Don’t feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling that way, it doesn’t make you weak or pathetic though I’ve felt like both.
It’s scary to think that there may never be anything or anyone else out there that’ll make you feel like you deserved to be loved again after being in such a mess. I don’t have the answers, but I don’t want to give up on love cause that’s all I’ve ever hoped for. You can be resilient and strong but do it in your own time. I’ve always been patient, but sometimes patience is the last thing you want, you just want someone, the one, who you’re supposed to be with to find you, say they want you and to never let go. Maybe it’s a fairy tale, maybe it’s a lie, but if you think about the people in your life who have it, maybe your friends, or someone in your family, your parents, then you know that if it can happen to them it can happen to you.
There’s something so exciting about hearing or talking to others when they are truly excited or passionate about something. Even though you know nothing or have no idea what it is about they’re excited enough to get you excited and as a result I am really happy for them. Whether that excitement is about a person or a television show or a place, anything really if something is making someone happy then why wouldn’t you want to take the time to just lend an ear and let them to share that with you.
If you ever feel like you need a break from everything, fill up your car with gas (if you can drive, it works for a walk too), blast your music and sing along. I thought that music had abandoned me during dark points in my life, and when every song is a reminder of something or someone I couldn’t listen to it. It turns out there are songs that don’t remind me of anything or remind me of me and then I remember that music has and will always be there for me. It’ll be there for me for every mood, and it’ll be there for me to say with lyrics so easily what I’ve been struggling to say myself. So when artists and musicians say that writing lyrics and music heals them I believe them.
The other form of therapy I’m hoping to start is filling out a plain notebook with all of my favorite lyrics that pop into my head whenever I am feeling or trying to convey how I feel throughout my days. I am by no means an artist or a poet, but I can appreciate how beautiful someone can articulate a feeling or an emotion through words. I hope one day I’ll be able to do that myself.
Does anyone else feel like this sometimes or relate to this in any way?
This is not my first blog. I started out on tumblr years ago, but too much in my life has changed and too many things on tumblr remind me of things I want to forget or don’t want to be reminded of. I enjoy the photos and the gifs and the people on tumblr, I feel like they know me better than the people in my real life. I have a blog on tumblr with the same name that I’ve kept hidden for myself and locked with a password, but this time I want my blog to be therapeutic for me, a space where I can be myself unfiltered, post photographs (beginner photographer) that I’m genuinely proud of, and to allow some of my thoughts to resonate with people I haven’t met, to help a stranger or to let people out there in the rest of the world know that maybe they’re not alone and that their feelings may be exactly the same as mine if they happen to stumble upon this blog. I’m hoping what I’ll find from writing my thoughts out is clarity from this mess of a mind. This blog will mostly contain my inner thoughts, photographs, my travel adventures, my opinions, my favorite songs/playlists, reviews for books, movies, anything and everything I feel the need to think about and express. I’ll try and do a post everyday (at least that’s my goal). So if you do happen to stumble upon this blog and you’re reading this then thank you and I promise to try and keep things interesting. 😉