Is anyone else afraid of letting other people or specifically someone else in after they’ve had a break up?
It’s scary and exciting at the same time because at one point in life you thought this person was the love of your life but then you realize that maybe there’s better for you out there.
That maybe you were settling, and what you thought you deserved you accepted only to find out that the person you were with was actually selfish. You were the one always sacrificing everything to be with them and to make them happy. So I’m a little intimidated and I know I shouldn’t be doing this but when you really compare things …it’s so different.
When I used to tell this other guy about my insecurities he would say “you’re being stupid”, meaning simply that I shouldn’t be thinking about myself that negatively but he would never really remind me or reassure me or make me feel better about the insecurities, but then you compare it to someone else who says “it’s my mission for you to never feel insecure about that that again” it’s going above and beyond. It’s also different when you realize that someone wants to put you first and try their hardest to MAKE you happy and not just want you to BE happy. They are willing to do anything to make your dreams or wishes come true and they do it unselfishly. That really scares and surprises me because it’s something I’ve not yet experienced before.
I’m beginning to understand this. That people change and that sometimes you were in love with who they used to be but they’re no longer that person. It’s okay to remember and miss the person they used to be but be careful not to sabotage future relationships because you’re hoping that that person might come back.
I’ve been thinking a lot this weekend about this quote from the Stephen Chbosky book, “The Perks of being a wallflower” because it’s often true that people settle for way less than they deserve. They trick themselves into thinking what they have with someone is special or it’s love, when in reality they’re having to convince themselves that this is all they’ll know and that is all they’ll ever get.
I thought what I had was “it”, and sometimes I still wonder if what we had might still be it. I thought it was easy, I thought it was written in the stars, but in the back of my head I knew that I was way more invested in what we had and when it ended I felt like even though I loved what we had, I thought I deserved better. I knew i deserved better but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that I don’t crave it. Don’t feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling that way, it doesn’t make you weak or pathetic though I’ve felt like both.
It’s scary to think that there may never be anything or anyone else out there that’ll make you feel like you deserved to be loved again after being in such a mess. I don’t have the answers, but I don’t want to give up on love cause that’s all I’ve ever hoped for. You can be resilient and strong but do it in your own time. I’ve always been patient, but sometimes patience is the last thing you want, you just want someone, the one, who you’re supposed to be with to find you, say they want you and to never let go. Maybe it’s a fairy tale, maybe it’s a lie, but if you think about the people in your life who have it, maybe your friends, or someone in your family, your parents, then you know that if it can happen to them it can happen to you.