I know I’ve been really bad at this putting my thoughts into words often because I feel like my thoughts aren’t even worth sharing outside of my head but I’m going to get better. Because I think it’s always been therapeutic for me to come back a year or even a month from now to see my own growth. It’s also even nice if anyone is reading this that they might know exactly how I’m feeling or relate to it somehow.
So the first thing I wanna blog about is music related. I find that whenever I’m out in public places eg. the mall and I’m going in and out of different shops my immediate thought is to notice what song is playing. Today I was grocery shopping and one of my favorite songs at the moment came on and I noticed it instantly, and instantly my mood felt better, felt more excited, felt happier but it seemed like no-one else in the store in that moment even noticed a shift. Anyone else feel like that? That your the only one noticing the songs and the soundtracks throughout your life, that every song has a different feeling, emotion, or memory attached to it? That’s why I think sometimes I am hesitant and a bit selfish with sharing music because it’s like sharing a secret or something personal.
How do I explain this feeling.. you know when you’re just getting to know someone and you go out on a first date and there are butterflies going and during the date you have moments where you’re looking at each other or smiling or touching from being in such close proximity to each other…
It just feels almost like a current is running through the both of you..
The way I want to describe it is.. it’s like a charged moment. Like something in you is pulsating, and you feel like it’s the perfect opportunity to just lean in for an amazing kiss.
Does anyone ever feel like they don’t want to share something with someone because it’s so personal and they associate it like a memory or song or movie with someone else or they just want to keep it to themselves. It’s like having their own little secret.
I don’t know if that makes any sense so I’ll give you an example. When someone new in my life asks me about what my favorite movie is or what my favorite song is I am hesitant to tell them because they’ll want to hear it or watch it and it’ll change the way you feel about it if you talk about it with them. Or they don’t understand it or feel the same way about it as you do. You’re happy or sentimental about the way it makes you feel and you like the way it reminds you of a certain part or time in your life.
I feel like people who are guarded feel like this about all sorts of things, certain phrases, words, books, movies, songs. Something might mean something completely different to you than to them and you don’t want them ruining it. So here’s my reminder to you, and to myself that it’s okay to be a little selfish you don’t necessarily have to share everything with everyone.
Is anyone else afraid of letting other people or specifically someone else in after they’ve had a break up?
It’s scary and exciting at the same time because at one point in life you thought this person was the love of your life but then you realize that maybe there’s better for you out there.
That maybe you were settling, and what you thought you deserved you accepted only to find out that the person you were with was actually selfish. You were the one always sacrificing everything to be with them and to make them happy. So I’m a little intimidated and I know I shouldn’t be doing this but when you really compare things …it’s so different.
When I used to tell this other guy about my insecurities he would say “you’re being stupid”, meaning simply that I shouldn’t be thinking about myself that negatively but he would never really remind me or reassure me or make me feel better about the insecurities, but then you compare it to someone else who says “it’s my mission for you to never feel insecure about that that again” it’s going above and beyond. It’s also different when you realize that someone wants to put you first and try their hardest to MAKE you happy and not just want you to BE happy. They are willing to do anything to make your dreams or wishes come true and they do it unselfishly. That really scares and surprises me because it’s something I’ve not yet experienced before.
Rules of being an introvert
- Feel left out, or have a fear of missing out
- Spend time alone
- Get invited to something and really want to go but when it comes time to going back out
- Spend minutes/hours/days debating whether or not you want to go and the obstacles you’ll have to face
- Apologize lots
- Feel relieved when you don’t have to go and no-one is mad
- Feel left out when someone posts photos of the thing you were supposed to go to but didn’t
I mean that list I just made pokes fun at myself, and should be taken lightly but at the same time it’s also 100% true. There are occasions where you’ll accept and go out and have a great time, but there are also occasions where you go out and you wish you hadn’t. You’ll never be able to tell beforehand. Anyone else relate?
I’ve been thinking a lot this weekend about this quote from the Stephen Chbosky book, “The Perks of being a wallflower” because it’s often true that people settle for way less than they deserve. They trick themselves into thinking what they have with someone is special or it’s love, when in reality they’re having to convince themselves that this is all they’ll know and that is all they’ll ever get.
I thought what I had was “it”, and sometimes I still wonder if what we had might still be it. I thought it was easy, I thought it was written in the stars, but in the back of my head I knew that I was way more invested in what we had and when it ended I felt like even though I loved what we had, I thought I deserved better. I knew i deserved better but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that I don’t crave it. Don’t feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling that way, it doesn’t make you weak or pathetic though I’ve felt like both.
It’s scary to think that there may never be anything or anyone else out there that’ll make you feel like you deserved to be loved again after being in such a mess. I don’t have the answers, but I don’t want to give up on love cause that’s all I’ve ever hoped for. You can be resilient and strong but do it in your own time. I’ve always been patient, but sometimes patience is the last thing you want, you just want someone, the one, who you’re supposed to be with to find you, say they want you and to never let go. Maybe it’s a fairy tale, maybe it’s a lie, but if you think about the people in your life who have it, maybe your friends, or someone in your family, your parents, then you know that if it can happen to them it can happen to you.
There’s something so exciting about hearing or talking to others when they are truly excited or passionate about something. Even though you know nothing or have no idea what it is about they’re excited enough to get you excited and as a result I am really happy for them. Whether that excitement is about a person or a television show or a place, anything really if something is making someone happy then why wouldn’t you want to take the time to just lend an ear and let them to share that with you.