Guarded

Does anyone ever feel like they don’t want to share something with someone because it’s so personal and they associate it like a memory or song or movie with someone else or they just want to keep it to themselves. It’s like having their own little secret.

I don’t know if that makes any sense so I’ll give you an example. When someone new in my life asks me about what my favorite movie is or what my favorite song is I am hesitant to tell them because they’ll want to hear it or watch it and it’ll change the way you feel about it if you talk about it with them. Or they don’t understand it or feel the same way about it as you do. You’re happy or sentimental about the way it makes you feel and you like the way it reminds you of a certain part or time in your life.

I feel like people who are guarded feel like this about all sorts of things, certain phrases, words, books, movies, songs. Something might mean something completely different to you than to them and you don’t want them ruining it. So here’s my reminder to you, and to myself that it’s okay to be a little selfish you don’t necessarily have to share everything with everyone.

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A hard pill to swallow

I’m beginning to understand this. That people change and that sometimes you were in love with who they used to be but they’re no longer that person. It’s okay to remember and miss the person they used to be but be careful not to sabotage future relationships because you’re hoping that that person might come back.

 

 

 

How to be an introvert

Rules of being an introvert

  1. Feel left out, or have a fear of missing out
  2. Spend time alone
  3. Get invited to something and really want to go but when it comes time to going back out
  4. Spend minutes/hours/days debating whether or not you want to go and the obstacles you’ll have to face
  5. Apologize lots
  6. Feel relieved when you don’t have to go and no-one is mad
  7. Feel left out when someone posts photos of the thing you were supposed to go to but didn’t
  8. Repeat

I mean that list I just made pokes fun at myself, and should be taken lightly but at the same time it’s also 100% true. There are occasions where you’ll accept and go out and have a great time, but there are also occasions where you go out and you wish you hadn’t. You’ll never be able to tell beforehand. Anyone else relate?

Do we accept the love we think we deserve?

I’ve been thinking a lot this weekend about this quote from the Stephen Chbosky book, “The Perks of being a wallflower” because it’s often true that people settle for way less than they deserve. They trick themselves into thinking what they have with someone is special or it’s love, when in reality they’re having to convince themselves that this is all they’ll know and that is all they’ll ever get.

I thought what I had was “it”, and sometimes I still wonder if what we had might still be it. I thought it was easy, I thought it was written in the stars, but in the back of my head I knew that I was way more invested in what we had and when it ended I felt like even though I loved what we had, I thought I deserved better. I knew i deserved better but that  doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that I don’t crave it. Don’t feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling that way, it doesn’t make you weak or pathetic though I’ve felt like both.

It’s scary to think that there may never be anything or anyone else out there that’ll make you feel like you deserved to be loved again after being in such a mess. I don’t have the answers, but I don’t want to give up on love cause that’s all I’ve ever hoped for. You can be resilient and strong but do it in your own time. I’ve always been patient, but sometimes patience is the last thing you want, you just want someone, the one, who you’re supposed to be with to find you, say they want you and to never let go. Maybe it’s a fairy tale, maybe it’s a lie, but if you think about the people in your life who have it, maybe your friends, or someone in your family, your parents, then you know that if it can happen to them it can happen to you.

 

Therapy

If you ever feel like you need a break from everything, fill up your car with gas (if you can drive, it works for a walk too), blast your music and sing along. I thought that music had abandoned me during dark points in my life, and when every song is a reminder of something or someone I couldn’t listen to it. It turns out there are songs that don’t remind me of anything or remind me of me and then I remember that music has and will always be there for me. It’ll be there for me for every mood, and it’ll be there for me to say with lyrics so easily what I’ve been struggling to say myself. So when artists and musicians say that writing lyrics and music heals them I believe them.

The other form of therapy I’m hoping to start is filling out a plain notebook with all of my favorite lyrics that pop into my head whenever I am feeling or trying to convey how I feel throughout my days. I am by no means an artist or a poet, but I can appreciate how beautiful someone can articulate a feeling or an emotion through words. I hope one day I’ll be able to do that myself.

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes or relate to this in any way?

 

Vulnerable

This is not my first blog. I started out on tumblr years ago, but too much in my life has changed and too many things on tumblr remind me of things I want to forget or don’t want to be reminded of. I enjoy the photos and the gifs and the people on tumblr, I feel like they know me better than the people in my real life. I have a blog on tumblr with the same name that I’ve kept hidden for myself and locked with a password, but this time I want my blog to be therapeutic for me, a space where I can be myself unfiltered, post photographs (beginner photographer) that I’m genuinely proud of, and to allow some of my thoughts to resonate with people I haven’t met, to help a stranger or to let people out there in the rest of the world know that maybe they’re not alone and that their feelings may be exactly the same as mine if they happen to stumble upon this blog. I’m hoping what I’ll find from writing my thoughts out is clarity from this mess of a mind. This blog will mostly contain my inner thoughts, photographs, my travel adventures, my opinions, my favorite songs/playlists, reviews for books, movies, anything and everything I feel the need to think about and express. I’ll try and do a post everyday (at least that’s my goal). So if you do happen to stumble upon this blog and you’re reading this then thank you and I promise to try and keep things interesting. 😉

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