Vulnerable

This is not my first blog. I started out on tumblr years ago, but too much in my life has changed and too many things on tumblr remind me of things I want to forget or don’t want to be reminded of. I enjoy the photos and the gifs and the people on tumblr, I feel like they know me better than the people in my real life. I have a blog on tumblr with the same name that I’ve kept hidden for myself and locked with a password, but this time I want my blog to be therapeutic for me, a space where I can be myself unfiltered, post photographs (beginner photographer) that I’m genuinely proud of, and to allow some of my thoughts to resonate with people I haven’t met, to help a stranger or to let people out there in the rest of the world know that maybe they’re not alone and that their feelings may be exactly the same as mine if they happen to stumble upon this blog. I’m hoping what I’ll find from writing my thoughts out is clarity from this mess of a mind. This blog will mostly contain my inner thoughts, photographs, my travel adventures, my opinions, my favorite songs/playlists, reviews for books, movies, anything and everything I feel the need to think about and express. I’ll try and do a post everyday (at least that’s my goal). So if you do happen to stumble upon this blog and you’re reading this then thank you and I promise to try and keep things interesting. 😉

looking for catharsis

Call it a quarter life crisis, call it a rut, call it whatever you want. I think we all go through phases in our life where we’re feeling a little loss or unfulfilled. I recently have become very independent and as a test decided to go out and shake things up by trying to put myself out there to try and find love again. I don’t know what I was expecting, I wanted to feel sparks,  I wanted to feel fireworks, butterflies, experience love at first sight. Instead I got, insecurity, self doubt, anxiety, depression. Does that mean I’m not ready to date again? Does that mean I’ll never put myself out there because I was happy with safe. How do I get over this? I just feel left behind and I know it’s all irrational because at the end of the day I still have so many blessings to count. I’m stuck currently in between that happy independence kick ass feeling and that self doubt. I’m looking for catharsis, I feel like I’m holding my breath and can’t exhale fully. I also know that I’m definitely not alone so why am I choosing to suffer through this all alone? Cause I’m ashamed? Embarrassed? Don’t want anyone to worry? Whatever it is, I hope I shake out of it soon and go back to being me. Fearless, carefree, the kind of person I thought I was before this setback. It’s just a minor setback right? Let me know if you’ve felt this way or have any advice for me.

flying solo

I am so over people thinking breaking up with someone and being single is like a death wish. Like sure sometimes it sucks not having “your person” but why can’t “your person” be you. I am loving life being alone right now, finding joy in the quiet things like spending time with friends and watching the movies i want to watch and reading books and travelling.

Being single doesn’t sound so bad from where I’m standing.

maybe it’s not fomo, it’s social media

Ugh. I am beginning to think social media platforms like snapchat and instagram stories in particular are evil. Because it shows at any given moment “live” what people are up to at that instant. If you’re able to see these things you’re also able to be like “oh this is what this person is up to at this very moment” and just that quick little video or photo or second makes it seem like okay you don’t need to know what else they’ve been up to.

We’ve become so reliant on social media and cyber stalking that it takes away from making the actual effort of having to get to know someone or talk to someone and genuinely meet up in person to catch up. I also think it can be a bit unhealthy when you’re perfectly content having a night to yourself and then you go looking at a friends snapchat and they are “seemingly” having more fun than you and you feel like there’s maybe something wrong with you. Why is it that they’re having more fun? Why can’t that be you? Without snapchat and instagram stories those feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out) is something you would have never experienced. It’s almost as if everyone is purposely rubbing your face in something, quite aggressively. Didn’t the hipster days of instagram seem simpler when it was just posting a photo and then captioning it and sharing it that way? Everything else just seems much extra.

I understand the need for sharing and wanting to share and post pictures but where is the balance here. I’m guilty of doing it myself sometimes but I’m more often on the other side….

Sometimes its nice to just not know what the hell everyone else is doing at every minute of every day and just enjoy yourself. Ignorance can be bliss. Let’s work on not taking the bait together. #confessionsofanintrovert

Hiatus

I know I’ve been really bad at this putting my thoughts into words often because I feel like my thoughts aren’t even worth sharing outside of my head but I’m going to get better. Because I think it’s always been therapeutic for me to come back a year or even a month from now to see my own growth. It’s also even nice if anyone is reading this that they might know exactly how I’m feeling or relate to it somehow.

So the first thing I wanna blog about is music related. I find that whenever I’m out in public places eg. the mall and I’m going in and out of different shops my immediate thought is to notice what song is playing. Today I was grocery shopping and one of my favorite songs at the moment came on and I noticed it instantly, and instantly my mood felt better, felt more excited, felt happier but it seemed like no-one else in the store in that moment even noticed a shift. Anyone else feel like that? That your the only one noticing the songs and the soundtracks throughout your life, that every song has a different feeling, emotion, or memory attached to it? That’s why I think sometimes I am hesitant and a bit selfish with sharing music because it’s like sharing a secret or something personal.

yes you’re on my mind, but are you worth my time

a dark day

Does anyone have a “dark day” maybe it’s linked to something that happened in the past that previous day. Like a death anniversary, or an anniversary but now you’re no longer with that person. Just lots of bad memories or good ones that are now gone.

You feel the need to shut yourself off and just get away from it all, take a day off physically and mentally.

I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay to have an off day or a dark day. You don’t owe anyone any explanations and whatever you feel is valid.

Today is the 2 year death anniversary of my aunt who passed away suddenly. She was healthy as a horse and she had a stroke and now she’s gone. Today I remember her, but i also want to remember how fleeting life can be.

dive

Anyone falling really hard for someone they can’t completely figure out? Sometimes they say the right thing at all the right times, other times they’re playing you hot and cold.

 

self-doubting

I am struggling to be confident in my abilities.

Electricity

How do I explain this feeling.. you know when you’re just getting to know someone and you go out on a first date and there are butterflies going and during the date you have moments where you’re looking at each other or smiling or touching from being in such close proximity to each other…

It just feels almost like a current is running through the both of you..

The way I want to describe it is.. it’s like a charged moment. Like something in you is pulsating, and you feel like it’s the perfect opportunity to just lean in for an amazing kiss.

 

Guarded

Does anyone ever feel like they don’t want to share something with someone because it’s so personal and they associate it like a memory or song or movie with someone else or they just want to keep it to themselves. It’s like having their own little secret.

I don’t know if that makes any sense so I’ll give you an example. When someone new in my life asks me about what my favorite movie is or what my favorite song is I am hesitant to tell them because they’ll want to hear it or watch it and it’ll change the way you feel about it if you talk about it with them. Or they don’t understand it or feel the same way about it as you do. You’re happy or sentimental about the way it makes you feel and you like the way it reminds you of a certain part or time in your life.

I feel like people who are guarded feel like this about all sorts of things, certain phrases, words, books, movies, songs. Something might mean something completely different to you than to them and you don’t want them ruining it. So here’s my reminder to you, and to myself that it’s okay to be a little selfish you don’t necessarily have to share everything with everyone.